Boris ‘Keep the Change’ Johnson vs. MINISTAT’s Dave ‘Grace Bros.’ Norgrove

September 18, 2017

A head to head bout, Johnson in the blue corner, Norgrove in the blue-ish quango corner.  A great ding-dong, and a right ol' conference pair.  As for the back to the future LibDems... they're going home in a Tofu ambulance.

Barry's ultimate failsafe fallback: have a look on Wikipedia.

£350m or £250m - who cares!  What about the smug REMAINIAC apocalyptic utterances. Bank of England, anyone?

Do you leave a generous tip after a substandard meal, having seen all the best dishes served to the other tables and noting that most of them did a runner?

But Barry is non-partisan. And still quite likes the cosmopolitan vibe of Benidorm.

 

 

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U.S. History (Module One) and Nick Robinson’s Silicon Valley Yawn-Fest.

September 13, 2017

On a September morning awash with news possibilities, the flagship BBC Today programme decided to run with what seemed like two dozen 'Now Show quality' packages, put together by a flatlining Nick Robinson in Silicon Valley.

Presumably the lure of a freebie to the good ol' U. S. of A. led to Nick switching off his last 'critical faculty circuit' and auto-piloting his way through several deathly dull interviews about Google, veggie burgers and a big roof garden where 'walking meetings' are rumoured to take place.  Ooh, what's a walking meeting?  Not a soul in the UK was asking or thinking 'What's a walking meeting?', not even stalwart listeners in Virginia Water.  It is possibly self evident. And as for his interview with a top Google bloke, the 'questions' had all the hallmarks of having been planned during a coma.

Listen back on the venerable i-Player if you don't believe me.

As an antidote to the total absence of useful and relevant news, I have decided to add to the sum of world knowledge by discussing U.S. history in some depth - Module One.

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9/11 Irma, Directed-Energy Weapons and are Tesco Pan Scourers killing you?

September 11, 2017

Brenda very worried about the effects of Irma.  She has relatives in the Caribbean and is convinced by the mystic numerolgical connections between these two 9/11 events and the dark forces at play both then and now.

Meanwhile, I'm more concerned with the disintegration of my cheap and cheerful (if by cheerful you mean creating misery to the delicate biosystems of the planet) Tesco UK supermarket Pan Scourers available in a 5 pack at £1.50.

Also, great to see the RAF carrying boxes out of a Hercules, one by one. Great photo op, lads.  How about using a forklift next time rather than having numerous men carrying individual boxes of Crawfords Cheddars and Peak Freans Christmas Puds out of the aircraft.

Plus, Brenda's darkest theories about clearing out the Paradise Islands of the Carib folk, to prepare a WWIII retreat for Blair and all the other swivel eyed loons.

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Ah Seoul, Trump and the strangely under-reported death of the U.S.A.

September 4, 2017

Wearisome discussions on Brexit have caused me to look elsewhere for news.  Trump and sabre rattling and Kim Jong Wilde are causing much anxiety.  Or are they?

Plus Nick Clegg comes through in his latest seance on Radio 4 Today programme, still tapping out his angst about Brexit.

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Beachy Head Toxic Cloud Terror Drill & Woeful BBC Conversations on a Bench

August 29, 2017

Police INSIST they can't be sure that the toxic cloud (that caused no one any great problems) probably, although they can't be sure, weighing up no evidence whatsoever except having glanced at a weather app on the Super's Alcatel smartphone, did NOT originate from France. There you have it.  When the police insist on something that they can't confirm with any certainty, you know that they have lost all touch with reality and just want to use the word insist at a press conference because it sounds like one of those confidence inspiring words. We insist...

Stick to the facts, ma'am.

Plus a patchy vox pop programme from Manchester and the lugubrious, unvaried rent-a-Manc delivery of 'poet' Andrew McMillan, who sounds like a Vauxhall Conference version of Roger McGough some weeks after his death.

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CPS Alison Saunders & her Newspeak Double Entendres & U.S. Nazis

August 21, 2017

Fat Barry returns to the mic to discuss the weirdly Orwellian hate guidelines that Alison Saunders, head of the CPS, not the DPP, pops up to promulgate in the absence of parliament and the big bongs.

Is the sound of one hand clapping actually two hands clapping if I perceive it to be so?

Bit of an unscripted ramble, once again, so don't get your hopes up.

Feel free to leave hate filled / love filled comments as appropriate or maybe something in between. Like mild dislike or contempt, which will, nevertheless, extend your sentence, so beware!

Fat Barry should burn in hell. 

Bit rude that.  Is it because I'm white or fat, or a scientologist?  Or a ginge?  

 

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Poldark, Toe Sucking, the Duchess of York & More Star Signs

August 8, 2017

Silly season continues with the shade of Mary Whitehouse and her time tunnel pushing our noses into the moribund moral outrages of 1973. Vicars writing in about a controversial scene in the pretty revamp of the dull 1973 tv series Poldark in which a vicar sucks the toe of a prostitute.  No mention of the Duchess of York and her propensity for cheesy big one. Did an Equerry from South Fork phone up the BBC duty officer, or is someone after a security contract in Uzbekistan?  Who knows.  Meanwhile, the Today programme continues to do its damnedest to scupper Brexit even further. Ah, well, listen to the horoscopes... there's something for everyone.  Spookily voyeuristic.

Brenda's back in Barbados and Barry's a bit snappy having lost his first take thanks to an over hasty snatch-out of his SD card from his trusty recorder.

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Horoscopes, Ruby Wax promo & Brandreth potholing in Prince

August 2, 2017

Silly season stuff so I've devoted myself to getting the horoscopes back on an even keel, using Brenda's bag of crystals to open my third eye.  Also, I make mention of Gyles Brandreth and Ruby Wax who both popped up on BBC Radio 4 Today programme to sell whatever it was they were selling this time, apart from their souls of course, which went on gumtree years ago. Oh, it was Wax selling the idea that her unfunny posh daughters are funny and Brandreth piping up from inside Prince Philip to speak of his incredible number of diary engagements since the 3rd Afghan war. 

Depressing stuff.

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Barry’s Uncannily Accurate Horoscopes To Guide Your Life

July 28, 2017

Brenda says I have a gift.  A sere's gift that can divine the future and leave my audience gasping at my prescience.

Now listeners, I share that gift with you.

 

 

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Julian Clary channels the late Earl Spencer and BBC wages get a once over

July 26, 2017

Fat Barry here again. Back from Almeria and casting an investigatory eye over the BBC wages as recently published.  All your high octane favourites like Kemal Ahmed and Nick Knowles and that one out of Causality that Brenda likes. Plus the mystery of Steve Wright, Letitia and Adam, and a haunted static near the old East Enders compound. Tickets to Althorp pronounced 'Fleece the proles' are available via Julian Fellowes wearing a high viz tabard at the entrance to the car park. Gillian Taylforth has been hired by Earl Spencer as part of her commitments to the Beeb, and can be seen flitting through the gloaming dressed in an apricot organza shift, on Diana's sacred isle in a moving son et lumiere.  Thrill as the lights on the isle dim as she learns to use her Dodie for the first time. Meanwhile, Chris Evans' wage? Hello?  And Alan Yentob's? He's only ever had 4 viewers so it must be connected to the Scotch Egg incident.  Ciao! 

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